Wednesday, March 3, 2010

overjoyed

So, I realize with all my stressing over insurance and delivery woes, that the real reason for my countdown was overshadowed. I have to say, I am SO excited! The end can't come soon enough! Not because I'm in a hurry to start a new semester - which was the cause of my urgency to have Laci. Or because I'm miserably pregnant - as was the case with Jacob. I'm just excited. Excited to get to know the newest member of our family. Excited to have a baby in our house again! Just excited! Sometimes the excitement hits me so hard, I wonder if my little guy is communicating to me spirit-to-spirit that he can't wait to physically be a part of our family and to start his mission.



Some of you might remember my trepidation at getting pregnant again. After my pregnancy with Jacob, I certainly have a new-found respect and admiration for women who literally cling to life by a thread during each pregnancy. And, mine wasn't even THAT bad. It was horrible in that I literally did not start a week of being well before catching something new by the end of the week. I'm not exaggerating! If it was contagious, I caught it! I was miserable. But even in the midst of my misery, I was extremely grateful that I wasn't living on an IV or in a hospital bed. I wasn't consigned to bedrest for an extended period of time. It was hard; I hated it; I wanted it to end. And of course, my endurance was tested when Jacob decided to come 6 days late. But, it doesn't even compare to what those women face! I've learned just how precious my health is to me!



Still, I was worried about this pregnancy. Would I get really sick again? How would I handle two children being that sick? Jacob was JUST starting to express his independence from me, and Laci has always been demanding because of her hyperactivity and need for constant stimulation. Would it be fair for me to add a third one to the mix? The list went on and on!



As for insurance, maybe that is purely a test of Jason's and my faith as we have children. The possibility that we won't have any children covered through insurance has crossed my mind. It's not a thought I want to entertain, but maybe it's one that shouldn't be ignored. Am I going to let that temporal factor limit the eternal nature of my family?



Delivery is another big worry. Having multiple cesarians can ultimately determine how many children I will be able to have, which is why I would like to try for a VBAC this time around. I don't have a "magic number" on how many kids I want to have, but the thought of being limited or being unable to is really hard to wrap my mind around. That control can be taken away from me, and it's very unsettling. On the other hand, I know Father will provide a way for all our children to come to our family, whatever the number...whether it's through strengthening my body to withstand numerous cesareans, magnifying my ability to deliver VBAC, or adoption. We'll all get here somehow, some way.



And yet, it took a great deal of faith for me to heed the prompting to have another child. I knew that more children were waiting to come to our home. I just didn't want to get pregnant again so soon. I thought I would wait until Laci had been in school a while; allow her to adjust to that big change in her life; address ADD issues; let Jacob grow in his independence; maybe wait till he turned 3 to start trying again. Then I got pregnant last March. Boy, was that a surprise - it had to have been immaculate conception! Despite all my prior fears and worries, I felt at peace; getting pregnant was right; the timing was right. And then, I miscarried a few weeks later at 10 weeks. Surprisingly, I wasn't devastated; through it all, I felt at peace. I've often wondered since then if something as drastic as a suprise pregnancy and miscarraige were the only way I would entertain the thought of having another child so soon. (Kind of sad when you think about the principles of being compelled to be humble versus humbling oneself to receive the word of God.)

Amazingly, after that experience all the emotional weight I was feeling over another pregnancy was lifted off my mind and heart. All of a sudden, I was excited to get pregnant again! The excitement keeps getting stronger with each passing week! I really can't wait. Sure, I'm nervous for this delivery because I don't know the outcome, and there are so many factors that can trigger a bad outcome. But, fear and faith cannot coexist. Maybe I just need to hold onto all my excitement.

The Lord will take care of the rest.

2 comments:

Candie said...

Oh Tif. You lift my sprits just reading what is in that huge heart of yours. I really wish I was closer to you these days! Thank you for sharing these thoughts with the world (or at least your close family and friends). This is what it is really all about!

Lara said...

You have such a wonderful attitude. I'm excited to see your baby, too! :)

We had insurance for Chloe, but my pregnancy was so bad and then she was in the NICU for a while, so the 20% we had to pay out of pocket was around 10,000 dollars. So even though we're still paying for her, I wouldn't have done it differently! Money is just money, and our children are eternal. (This is not to say we shouldn't be responsible with these decisions, and live off of welfare or something, but I think you know what I mean.)

 

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